Ideas, Inspirations, Sights and Sounds
I would LOVE to record a gospel album! I actually think that’s where my next project is going! Been writing a lot more spiritual music!
I used to want to change the world all by myself.
I used to put the world’s problems on my back.
I mean, I had the best intentions in mind.
But I realized I couldn’t do it by myself. I would exhaust myself. I can’t change the whole world. Jesus already came to change the world. And that’s who I want to focus on. With his teachings, and doing simple things, influencing peoples lives with my gifts, I can change the world if I use them correctly. And then it’s just about getting other people, other like minded people on board. If we all believe the gifts that we have can make a difference, and we bring those gifts together, we CAN change the world-TOGETHER!
Our greatness comes in realizing the gifts we’ve been given and cultivating them for good and bringing them together with others who are doing the same, so we can make changes together. It’s not a fast process, it’s not always easy, but it’s worth it. We’ve been given so much, that just to give back small moments, to give back as much as we can, is all worth it!
So let’s get TOGETHER! It all starts with ONE!
“And no one ought to be secure in this life, the whole of which is called a temptation, so that he who has been made better from worse may also from better be made worse. Our only hope, our only confidence, our only assured promise, is your mercy.” The Confessions of St. Augustine
It’s time to stop talking to people and keeping my convo’s with God. Why am I not getting what I want out of people? Because I’m talking to them instead of talking to God. God already knows my heart yes. I have a blog so I can write down the things I probably shouldn’t share with people. I spent so much of my teenage years afraid to share. I always needed to be the mediator, the strong one, the positive one, the one who would listen and not ever be heard.
I finally found the confidence to start expressing myself. In song and in speech. And I realized, that people aren’t as caring as I. As I took a pause to write, I felt my lip start sticking out. A pout if you will. I mean, seriously, who can’t take someone truly loving them? When I was younger, a guy was infatuated with me. I was just a teenager. I’m not saying he wasn’t in love, but there was a whole lot of lust and infatuation. Flattering, but not love. And I didn’t love him. I liked the idea of him. I liked the attention.
But now, as an adult, all i want to do is grow with you. It’s not going to be easy. Especially since we are long distance. But I thought we could fight for us. And when it was over, it was over. But why couldn’t we talk about it? I probably don’t really want to know why.
My first boyfriend in college, actually, my ONLY boyfriend in college, told me that he “fell out of love with me”. He had stopped talking to me, we grew distant. I just didn’t want to see it. Maybe the same is happening now. Maybe, I just didn’t want to see that I wasn’t the one for him. Maybe I had my heart on the fact that we were so good together. But it started to dwindle. I thought WE, TOGETHER would fight.
People spoke to me, told me he was no good. Friends strayed away from him, because they heard about his past ways.
I just knew the man I liked to smile with. I knew the man that made me laugh. I knew the man that told me I was beautiful. I knew the man that wanted to grow with me. I knew the man whose eyes lit up looking at me.
All i wanted to give was my love. I didn’t think there was such a thing as giving too much love. But.. I guess there is. For some. For the right one, at the right time, it won’t be.
I just didn’t want it to end this way.
If he were reading this, I would want him to know that I love him. That no matter what people told me, no matter how much they tried to convince me, I was ALWAYS on his side. I will cheer for him from the other end of the earth if I have to. I only want the best for him and happiness for him for all his days. I didn’t see you as just a “joke”, just a performer, I saw you as a person, with feelings and dreams, and cares and loves and weaknesses, and all I wanted to do was get to know you more and more each day, love you, explore this life together and let you love me. I’m sorry we couldn’t work it out. I only wanted to love you better. I took a chance. I don’t want to think about what if I went on tour with you. I don’t want to think about the things I didn’t do. I don’t want to think about what went wrong, but I will always cherish and treasure what went right. You are an amazing man. I’m going to miss singing with you. I’m going to miss hanging out, watching movies and playing scrabble. I don’t want to believe it’s over. I want to try and work it out, but if you aren’t willing to fight anymore, if you aren’t willing to listen, there is nothing I can say.
I wrote a song entitled, “He Called My Phone Today”. One of the last lines in one of the verses goes as such:
“It may sound selfish
But I know I can
Treat you like a King
if it only meant
to do just one thing
To love you without boundaries
and with no judgement at all
I’m ready to take that fall”
I’m trying to let go friends. I am trying to get everything off my chest. And since he doesn’t want to hear it right now, there is no reason to come to him with it. That hurts. Someone that only wanted to spend his time with me, no longer wants to talk to me. Wow, typing that made it real. I know that moving on isn’t easy. Sometimes we want to hold on, sometimes we don’t want to move on because we are afraid, but I’ve got to. Love isn’t always pretty.
You can’t change people. I thought loving someone, could, not necessarily change them, but bring out the best in them always. That’s how I feel when I get love.
Listen, my mom and i don’t have the closest relationship. She is a bit smothering, probably where I get it from. But, I know she loves me, and I try and make her proud. I strive to be the best person I can be to make sure I honor my parents.
I strive to love all, even when I don’t like them. Showing respect and kindness, praying for them, telling them the truth, that’s love. Caring about their well being and making myself available to be there as a friend, even if they don’t take it.
I give A LOT of myself. I don’t expect something in return, I just want people to give that love to someone else.
Wow, have I been setting up all my ex boyfriends to love the next one better than me? Well that’s okay.
I was getting closer with my cousin, Yuri. It’s been a rough year for my family. Lots of death and health problems, and now my cousin Yuri is gone. A car accident. Another death from a car accident. It hurts. It hurts. When a death happens, it usually doesn’t hit me immediately, but when my mother called up crying, on her birthday, I flipped. I just chatted it up with Yuri to start giving him skype voice lessons. He lived in New Mexico, and I in NY.
I guess, I’ve seen so much death, of so many young people, that I just love hard. Always. I’m passionate. That’s not a downfall. One day someone will be able to handle it and appreciate it as much as I deserve.
Maybe it’ll be him, in 5 years-who knows… God knows… Not getting my hopes up, just dreaming. I’m a dreamer. If this is the end, I only know God has bigger and better things in store for me.
God, just guide my feet, help me to be what you’ve put in me. I love you God, and I want to give myself up to you. I am human. But you are everlasting and magnificant. Thank you for everything. Thank you for making me the way I am. Thank you for loving me and thank you for you.
P.S. All my friends are having babies and getting married. I will be a bridesmaid in March. I’m going to Grad school in the fall-For FREE. :)